we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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