Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
