god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Umm I'm too high to move.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
