just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
