its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
