Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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