I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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