had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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