good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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