Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
