If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
