i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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