I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
