Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
