God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
