so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
