I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
