I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
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You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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