I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
