I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
