Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
