I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
