i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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