why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
