He disabled his match.com account in front of me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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