Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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