Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
