You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
