3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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