Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
