I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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