Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
