im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
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