I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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