He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
