i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
