please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
