I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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