I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
