I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
