sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
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I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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