Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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