i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
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I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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