Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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