I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
