This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
