So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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