woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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