and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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