just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
