he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
