Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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