Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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