Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
