I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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