If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I CAN MOONWALK!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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