the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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