my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
