Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
