My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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