were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
