Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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