Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
